Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Let's Do It Again ... (I'm Still Gloating)
And so it begins.
The Miami Heat begin their defense of the 2006 NBA Championship. Alonzo Mourning returns for at least one more ride as the Heat’s All Time Warrior. Pat Riley returns to do what has not been done since 2002 – coach a team to back-to-back titles. Udonis The Curshernaut Haslem returns to do the dirty work. James Posey returns to hit timely threes and play stifling defense (and keep 'Toine on the bench). And, of course, the Diesel is back to do what he does.
And then there’s Dwyane Wade.
NBA Finals MVP.
And leader of the pack of the Big Three
With a title defense also comes the Big Target. Everybody is going to come at us with all they’ve got to un-seed the champs. The internet is already buzzing with Wade Hatred, tired (and unfunny) “he just got fouled again” jokes and the unending, mass of jumbled jealous minutia that complains about his “fake” injuries or his propensity to hit the foul line with Jordan-esque regularity. Or his supposed “whining” – whatever that means.
I got a message for the Wade Haters out there.
Face it, assholes. Dwyane Wade is here to stay. He’s the 2006 NBA Finals MVP. He’s the savior of the Heat franchise. He’s an amazing player with boundless talent. He’s better than your teams’ best player. And he’s ours. So fuck you. You want to hate on someone? Hate your team’s GM and coaches and players, who have been unable to lead your team to a world championship as Wade did for us.
That’s right, America. Fuck you. Dwyane Wade is the Real Deal. So suck on it.
Anyway … we begin our title defense tonight.
For me, it’s especially sweet because I have many friends who are fans of the Chicago Bulls. They became fans back in the 90’s when they decided that they had been life-long fans of the team, even though they’ve lived in South Florida all they’re lives and couldn’t find Illinois on a map even if it was circled in bright red with the words Chicago Is Right Here written in Dennis Rodman’s hair dye. It’s sweet because we had to go through the Bulls to win it all last season. It’s sweet because they and their fans will have to watch tonight as the Heat unfurl the championship banner and our players get their rings.
I have always dreamed of this moment. Whenever I would hit the AAA or even the old Arena, I’d look up at the rafters and wonder how awesome it would look to have a gigantic banner hanging down that read NBA Champions Miami Heat. We’ve had the luxury of seeing several Division Champions banners unfurled. We even got the unfortunate event of seeing Michael Jordan’s jersey retired down here (still the single dumbest thing this franchise has ever done. After signing Antoine Walker. And drafting Harold Minor).
But tonight that dream becomes a reality.
The highlight video will be played.
The fireworks will rocket into the Miami skyline.
The championship rings will be handed out.
The championship banner will be unfurled.
Soak it all in, Miami.
Your Miami Heat are World Champions of the NBA.
And tonight – we begin to defend it from the rest of the league.
LET’S GO HEAT!
Labels: Miami Heat
Monday, October 30, 2006
The Quest For Quinn: Sunday's Scores Are Good. Really Good.
Raiders 20 - Steelers 13
Packers 31 - Cardinals 14
Browns 20 - Jets 13
Know what this means? Means that your Miami Dolphins are tied for the worst record in the league with the Cardinals and Lions. That means Thanksgiving Day could be the Quinn Bowl between the Fins and Detroit. Stay tuned.
Tomorrow, we shake off the crap that is the Miami Dolphins and dive head-first into a real team ...
YOUR WORLD CHAMPION MIAMI HEAT!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Surfing The Interwebs (10/27/06)
-Greg Cote is wondering if the Dolphins are cursed. And if they are ... who cursed them? Loyal MSD readers know the answer to that. Someday I'll post an article with an in-depth explanation. But I stand by my claim. David Woodley is to blame. Hey that rymes. How lame.
-Over at his site, JD just broke some urgent news out of Dolphins camp. The FBI is involved.
-Yes I want this guy as our QB. If you missed it, I wrote a whole essay on how and why. Is he pretty? Sure. Is he gay? Honestly, who cares? But hey, all the more reason he should wind up in SoFla instead of Detroit. Besides, someone needs to give this guy a run for his gay money. I don't care either way. Quinn is a winner. He can throw the rock. He is a great leader. If he's into dudes, that's cool. Just win baby ... er, I mean, man ... Just win, man. For the record, I don't think he is. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Okay, I'm now officially uncomfortable. Moving on ...
-And finally ... just to be sure we're all clear here: The whole Dolphins organization is a fucking mess.
And also this.
And more sad news.
But, hey, we gotta stay positive right?
The Curse of David Woodley, man. It's real ...
That's it for now. Look for some Heat stuff next week. Opening night is Tuesday!!
Oh, I almost forgot, my weekend prediction:
Bye Week 35
Have a great weekend everybody!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
The Quest For Quinn IS HERE!
You want to make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs. I touched on this a few posts ago. And now that we lost yet again, completely destroying any hope of getting into the playoffs this year, there’s really only one thing to do. Lose. Lose some more. And keep on losing. And then earn ourselves the number one overall pick in next year’s NFL Draft. It almost worked a few years ago when we went 4-11 and got the number 2 overall pick. But number 2 sucks. No one wants to get the silver or bronze. We want the Gold metal. The Gold metal of sucking. But, with the way things are going around here, we probably won’t even get this right. We suck even at sucking.
2006 is over. It’s finished. At 1-6 and unable to beat the likes of the Packers or the Texans, this season is done. So, if you’re a real fan, it’s time to start cheering for this team to lose all of their remaining games. Why? Because the only way this team is going to start to turn around and be a winner again is to build with a franchise quarterback. And after watching this past weekend’s college games, I’m convinced that this year’s best is Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn. He’s going to be the consensus choice for the number one overall pick. And I want him wearing a Dolphins uniform in 2007.
Now, as far as I can tell, the Raiders are the only real threat to derail this dream. That and another stupid, meaningless, futile winning streak that we like to run off late during a season when there’s no chance in hell of making the playoffs. Those kind of winning streaks are like kissing your sister.
The good news is the Raiders won their first game Sunday. So now it’s a dead heat to the finish line. What are the chances the Raiders win another game? Christ, it’s not good. But I will say this – their secondary puts ours to shame. So there’s some hope yet.
As for the other shitty teams in the NFL: Well, if we finish with the same record as the Packers, we still pick ahead of them because they beat us. Plus, they already have their future set in Aaron Rodgers. The Browns – they seem to like Charlie Frye and would be dumb to draft another QB when they could easily fill other holes and continue building around Frye, Braylon Edwards and Kellen “Fucking Soldier” Winslow Jr. The Titans and Texans are also both set at QB for the future. Detroit is another problem. But their offense is just explosive enough to win maybe 2 more games before the season – hopefully including the Thanksgiving Day game against our Losers – is over. Go Lions! Plus, I’m not too worried about Detroit. Even if they get to pick ahead of us, Matt Millen will fuck it up and draft yet another wide receiver or something.
That leaves the only logical choice: Your Miami Dolphins. If there is a God, or at least good karma in the Universe – then we should be rewarded with Quinn. Lord knows we need a QB more than any other team in the NFL. Sure, the Raiders need one too. But they’re the Raiders. They’re evil. So they deserve nothing but people like Randy Moss and Al Davis and Jeff Hostetler.
We need a QB in the worst way. Daunte Culpepper, healthy or not, is not the answer. Joey Harrington? Pfft. Next.
Brady Quinn is the cornerstone in which to build a winning franchise for the next 10 years. Will Quinn turn us around and make us instant Super Bowl contenders? Absolutely not. We need young defensive guys and we need guys WHO PLAYED COLLEGE BALL SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE FUCKING SEC!!! YOU HEAR ME SABAN??? GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE SEC YOU STEVE SPURRIER REJECT!!!!
But a QB like Quinn is where you start. And you build from there. Build a solid O-line in front of him, get him guys who CAN CATCH, build a young, fast, hard hitting defense around him as well. And get him an offensive coordinator who can tell the difference between a football and, oh I don’t know, let’s say … a monkey.
Simple enough. Getting there is another thing.
The only thing that can derail the dream is if we win another game. And Saban. At this point his “good vibrations” act has grown tiresome. And I fear that even if we do get lucky and win the NFL Draft Lottery and Quinn is just waiting for us to call his name and is ready to put on the Dolphins cap, Saban’s loyalty to Culpepper will destroy any chance at getting Quinn. He’s a bona fide winning QB the likes we haven’t seen around here since old No. 13 roamed the fields with his magical Thunder Bolt arm. And Saban will probably throw away the chance at getting him.
Saban’s loyalty to Culpepper, his stubborn pride and his complete lack of skills in evaluating football talent could derail this whole thing. So we have a lot going against us here.
But I think we can do it.
The Dolphins have a bye week this week. Then they face the Bears, Chiefs, Vikings, Lions, Jaguars, Patriots, Bills, Jets and Colts. The games that scare me the most – that is, the games that we could possibly win – are the Chiefs (because their coaching is as inept as ours), the Lions (because it’s the Lions), Bills (because, amazingly enough, their quarterback sucks more than our quarterback) and Colts (because they may have clinched homefield by then and we’ll be playing against Jim Sorgi and the Funky Bunch Bench Warmers).
But keep hope alive, Dolphins Fans.
Let’s lose all our games and when we do, let’s make sure Nick Saban knows what we want.
WE WANT QUINN DAMN IT!
WE WANT QUINN!!!!!
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Monday, October 23, 2006
Thanks For The Memories Brett ... Now Go Away
Yesterday's embarrasing loss to the Packers was a nice farewell to old No. 4 Brett Favre. A nice send off for a once great quarterback.
Now, please, for the love of all that is right and decent and good in the world and for the love of all heartburn sufferers everywhere, please, Brett ... just retire already.
Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. I can’t stand the likes of John Madden and Peter King droning on and on about how great you are. And if you break Dan Marino’s all time touch down record, you just know all the major sports media outlets, like ESPN and FOX Sports and HBO Sports and CBS Sportsline are all going to simultaneously ejaculate all over themselves and destroy the world’s sports infrastructure as we know it, running over one another to make endless emotional vignettes with golden hued filtered camera lenses and cover this ground breaking, amazing, earth-shattering moment in sports history that equals Hank Aaron’s HR record or USA Hockey’s Miracle moment, or Michael Jordan’s third comeback like we just discoverd oil on Mars. You know, all the shit these fucktards failed to do back when Marino broke the record.
Just go away, Brett. For the good of sports fans everywhere – including Wisconsin – just go away.
I love you. Now fuck off.
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Hey, Everybody ... We're 1-6!!
Well, friends. Here we are. 1-6 and feeling pretty damn frustrated about our once proud American Football franchise known as the Miami Dolphins.
It was a game that featured Joey Harrington throwing 62 times – that is an accurate count, not your usual smart ass Dude sarcasm that has made me world famous – that’s right 62 times – Dan Marino never threw the ball 62 times in a game – and can I botch this sentence any more or keep adding this “ – “ to it to add to its clever stream of consciousness any more than I already have? No – I can’t.
Anyway … it was a game that featured Randy McMichael and his 38 dropped passes – see, now I’m being sarcastic. And Ronnie Brown standing still in the backfield when handed the ball – now I’m laying it on real good. And Mike Mularkey’s wonderful play calling – okay, now you see right through me, don’t you?
It was a game that featured it all. Terrible play by the O-line! Turnovers! Harrington's penchant for throwing passes into coverage at the worst possible time! Olindo Mare missing field goals! And our secondary being deep fried over and over and over again!
It was an embarrassing debacle. Pretty much like all our games this season (including the one win on our record).
So, you’re looking for a summary? Here it is in two sentences: SHIT. WE SUCK.
Back to you, Al and John …
And I just picked this up from SporTech Matter: DumpMikeMularkey.com
I guess “Fire Mike Mularkey” was taken. That’s how bad it’s gotten. People are shelling money over at Go Daddy to build multiple websites asking for Mularkey’s dismissal. Time to maybe invest in some Go Daddy stock. Because I sense more of these sites will be coming soon ...
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Let's Wager: WHO'S GOING TO F-UP THE FINS CHANCES TO WIN TOMORROW???
WHICH DOLPHIN PLAYER/PERSONNEL WILL FUCK UP THE DOLPHINS CHANCES FOR A WIN THIS WEEK!?
Here's how I'm ranking them this week:
1. Mike Mularkey: Apparently he doesn't read the scouting reports on opposing defenses. How else can you explain the play calling? Unless he's clinically retarded or Saban's been banging his wife and he's looking to get even. Only one of those statements have a remote possibility of being true. And we all know Saban is a faithful family man, so … you draw your own conclusions from there. Is Mularkey an idiot? I’m not going to say. But here’s a sample of what you might hear going on in his brain: “Hmmmm … this is interesting. The Jets are giving up a ton yards on the ground. Okay. Let’s run the ball 8 times per half and throw it 30 times per half! You know, fool them! They know they give up a ton yards on the ground, so we go with the obvious here! If every instinct you have is right … then the opposite would have to be righter! You’re so clever, Mike! Mother was wrong about you! Wrong!!!"
2. Olindo Mare: On grass or on dirt -- he sucks! New York is going to be crisp and dry and I don't imagine the field conditions are going to be immaculately perfect and just to Olindo's tastes. You know, a perfect green perennial ryegrass -- best adapted to moist, cool environments where temperatures are not extreme in the winter or summer. In the United States, the northeastern and northwestern states are well suited to ryegrass. In the transition zone, perennial ryegrass may provide a permanent turfgrass. But in the southern states, both species serve as cool season annuals. Olindo needs the turf to be just the right touch of humidity and oxygen. Instead, it'll be, you know ... football field type of grass. Stupid fucking football fields! You're ruining it for our kicker! Stop it!
3. Joey Harrington: I don't understand some Dolphin fans' excitement over this. Isn't he just a younger, better looking, version of Jay Fiedler? Same arm strength, same mobility and the same Drew-Bledsoe-like knack for throwing the back-breaking interception at the worst possible moments. This is how bad the Culpepper mess has become. We're all very excited about ... Joey Harrington????!!!
4. Zach Thomas: I know. It's sacrilege. But c'mon. The guy has never been very fast or very big. Now he's old, slower and still not very big. Tight ends are shredding him to pieces and he's getting beaten badly by opposing blockers. It sucks to say it. But I think Zach is done. I hope I'm wrong. Until he proves otherwise, he's going to keep getting thrown around mercilessly by opposing blockers like they've entered a dwarf-tossing contest at Tobacco Road.
5. The Offensive Line: Yes, they played admirably last week. They only gave up one sack. But let’s not be fooled. This line sucks. Oh, oh yes … they’re very sucky. Very sucky. The Jets defensive line is kind of smallish, so there’s still some hope here. But LJ "O-Ley!!!" Shelton and Co. have been down this road before with brutal results. We heard it prior to the Tennessee game: Oh we’re going to run all over that defense! We heard it prior to the Houston game: Oh we’re going to run all over that defense! (We're hearing the same chant this week!) 243 sacks later, we’re actually bemoaning the loss of a rookie offensive lineman (Joe Toledo). That kind of navel gazing is supposed to be reserved for the Detroit Lions of the world. The Curse of David Woodley strikes again.
So, who’s it gonna be? Who’s going to fuck it up this week? These are my best bets. But, hey, someone could be a potential sleeper here and emerge as the winner! So, place your bets and let the ponies ride.
Oh hell, let’s just blame it on A-Rod and move on….
Gaines Adams awaits….
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Friday, October 13, 2006
"...Kicking Myself In The Teeth ..." : Dolphins - Jets
Anyway, I'm fried. So I'll keep it short and simple.
It's not like I need to leave a detailed scouting report on what the Dolphins need to do against the Jets. They need to protect Joey, not turn over the ball, minimize the penalties and .. oh yea ... GIVE THE BALL TO RONNIE!!!! You hear me Mularkey? You no good waste of space in the coache's booth!! GIVE ... THE.... BALL... TO ... RONNIE...!!!!
At this point I've reserved myself to being happy if we can just beat the Jets and Patriots. The season is lost anyway, but I need something to take solice in.
So hopefully our boys can end this godawful road trip with a win and, even better, a win against our long hated rival: J-E-T-S-Jets, Jets, Jets!!! By far the stupidest chant in all of professional sports. "Hey, look at us! We know how to spell!"
So the sole motivation to win here is to shut up New Yorkers who live here and yet continue to claim how much better their city is. Meanwhile, it's record snow in NY and down here it's as toasty as ever. These are the same pricks who claimed to be life looung die haaaad Yankee faaaans and are now, all of a sudden, life looung, die haaaaad Mets faaans.
That, and that alone, is why I want our Fins to get their shit together and win this week!
So ... say it with me, Miami:
J-E-T-S- SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!!!
Dolphins 20 - Jets 17
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Surfing The Interwebs (10/12/06)
-An outstanding article about the Dolphins' offensive line woes by the guys at Football Outsiders. Why can't the Herald or Sun-Sentinel or the Post report about the Fins like this? Oh yea, because they're a bunch of wind-bag, fish wrapper douchey-mcdouchebags, that's why! [Football Outsiders]
-This Daunte Culpepper thing could someday become a serious issue for the Dolphins. Ya think? [ESPN]
-Breaking News: Someone named Daunte Culpepperonici called the Suicide Hotline over at KSK in the middle of the night. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
-Not feeling good about this week's matchup against the Jets? Not too thrilled that we have a gimp and a first round bust as our quarterbacks? Well, just close your eyes and pretend that it's 1994 and then watch this video (with your eyes open, jack-ass!). [SportTech Matter]
-Are you ready for the Miami Heat to begin their season as the defending NBA World Champions? Am I? Damn right I am! And it looks like Deeeeetroit's Rashweed is projected to break the all time record for getting technical fouls called on him for his usual whining and bitching. [The Mighty MJD]
-If you think watching the Dolphins this weekend will be a waste of time, why not go out Sunday and check out this exhibit at MetroZoo instead. It's only slightly shittier than the Dolphins. [Stuck On The Palmetto]
-The best thing I've read (or even heard) on the Corey Lidle tragedy. RIP Corey. [The Dugout]
... Tomorrow, my Dolphins-Jets preview. If you care.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
1-4 ... The More Things Change ...
I read this column. Agreed with it. Then threw up in my mouth.
Seriously ... WTF happened to this guy??? What happened to the Nick-Tator from last year? The guy who took shit from no one and brought a winner's mentality to a team that was conditioned to accept mediocrity?
He's suddenly like this Hare Krishna on Ritalin who is all happy go lucky and spews the same bull shit we used to get from Big Dave. "We're relly close," "We gotta stay positive," "We played are tails off"
What is that? What's this golly-gee bullshit? I know there's not much you can do at 1-4 and I know being a rah-rah guy is't going to help the offensive line block better ... but show me something, Nick! Kick some ass! I thought maybe there was hope when I heard that report that you and Daunte went at it during practice the other day. Dave would never do that with Jay Fielder! He'd just hold his hand and tell him he was his boy.
But then you went all kumbaya on our asses and gave us a story about you and your wife having an argument, then holding hands to say Grace and that's the end of it?
I want the old Nick Saban back!
You're turning into the Wandstache, Nick. That's the worst thing that can happen at this point.
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Friday, October 06, 2006
Rule #1 To Building A Champion: Sh%# The Bed: Dolphins at Patriots
You can only score 15 points against the Texans. You couldn’t cover Mr. Magoo if he was running routes. And your giving away sacks like it’s candy on Halloween.
How in the hell do you expect to beat the Patriots IN Foxboro?
Uhh … you can’t.
If there was ever a Survivor Pool pick … this is it. If you’re in desperate need for some quick cash, why not fly to Vegas and bet your house on this game? (Patriots to win, sucka!)
So I’m not even going to bother with a prediction other than to say, we will be 1-4 by week’s end.
There's really only one way to approach the rest of this miserable season. And that's to start looking to next year's NFL Draft. Because, my fellow Dolfans, our team will be picking somewhere near the top. I guarantee it.
So, Dolfans … take your pick. Who do you want with the 4th pick in next year’s NFL Draft?
Here’s a quick primer on some guys I like:
OT Joe Thomas, Wisconsin: Projected to be the top left tackle in the ’07 Draft. Would’ve been a top 10 pick this year had it not been for a knee injury. But he’s fully recovered and is a beast of a kid with room to grow.
How bout a quarterback? After Brady Quinn goes Number 1 overall to the Raiders, there will still be some dudes to build a franchise around like …
Brian Brohm, Louisville: Canes fans know him well. He just got injured but no doubt he’ll be ready for the NFL.
Or, my personal favorite college QB prospect right now:
Drew Stanton, Michigan State: Can't you just hear Mel kiper Jr. now after the Dolphins select this kid after Chris Berman already revealed who the pick would be before Roger Goodell announces it?: "This is a dang gum good pick. Drew Stanton is a big game guy who shows flashes of brilliance and really brings a gunslinger's mentality to the quarterback position..."
He’s raw but he’s this year’s Jay Cutler – whom I wanted the Fins to draft but that googly eyed freakazoid Mike Shanahan beat us to him.
There are more guys, but right now these are my top 3 as far as our needs are concerned.
There’s only one way to look at a losing season where we may only win 3 games. And that’s to look at the leader-board for the NFL Draft. Mel's hair awaits ...
Let’s face it. This isn’t our year. So let’s not shoot for mediocrity. Why finish 9-7 just so you can miss the playoffs and get a middle round pick where we can draft yet another overrated SEC defensive back with a bum knee?
Let’s really go for it, fellas! Let’s shit the bed and crank out a truly horrible season. See the Colts? They did it and got Peyton Manning! The Chargers have shit the bed several times and got LaDanian Tomlinson, Drew Brees and Philip Rivers! The Giants shit the bed a couple of years ago and were able to get Eli Manning. The Bengals? They've made shitting the bed a true art form in the past. They are the Dallas Cowboys of shitting the bed, America's Bed Shitting Team ... And now they have Carson Palmer.
All these teams are real Super Bowl contenders now. It just took a little bed-shitting to get there. So let’s rip a page out of their bed shitting strategy and really spray it thick this season and let’s start re-building. Because it’s the only way we’ll ever be a true Super Bowl contender, instead of an over hyped piece of crap that let’s all us fans down year after year after year after year.
So, let’s do it! We suck ... but I wanna REALLY suck!
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Monday, October 02, 2006
WE WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN! NO NO!!
-We have ourselves a no nonsense, genius head coach in the mold of Bill Belichick!
-After years of toiling with mediocre quarterbacks like Fiedler, Feeley and Frerotte, we made a big trade with the Vikings and now have ourselves one the best quarterbacks in the league and the next Dan Marino!
-We have one of the best pass rushers and linebackers in the NFL! And we just got a defensive back with a “linebacker” mentality with the 16th pick in this year’s draft!
-ESPN keeps saying how we were just a quarterback away from being a legit contender and now the New England Patriots' long reign atop the AFC East is going to come to an end!
-Sports Illustrated has picked us to go to the Super Bowl this season! And the Super Bowl is being played here in Miami!
Let’s do this!!
The NFL is about to feel the wrath of the 2006 Miami Dolphins!
Jason Taylor! …
Oh yea! It’s time to kick asses and take names!
It’s time to get back the glory!
All the pieces are in place!
This is it!
This is our year!
HERE WE GO .....
1-3. Beaten by the worst team in the NFL. One win better than the shit-kicker Oakland Raiders and the quarterback-less Tennessee Titans. The same record as the consistently crappy Cleveland Browns and perennial losers Arizona Cardinals. The NFL Leader in sacks allowed (21) and an offense that can't find the endzone if it were tatooed on eachother's asses. But it's worse than being among the worst teams in the NFL. At least the Raiders, Cardinals, Titans and Browns have an excuse. What do we have?
And if I hear Nick Saban say one more thing about how "close we are in terms of making plays" I swear to God I'm going to strangle the next person I see.
One and Fucking Three.
Being a Miami Dolphin fan is like being in love with and married to the town whore. She's beautiful, she's great in the sack and no matter how much you believe she loves you and you are her man ... in the end, she's still a fucking whore and she'll always .. ALWAYS ... rip your fucking heart out. And the worst part is not only do you keep coming back for more, but you also keep forgetting what she does to you.
Labels: Miami Dolphins