Monday, July 31, 2006
Nick Saban Is Serious And Anything Free Sucks
"It was really a tough decision," Saban said. "I feel like my first responsibility is our team. That in no way disrespects the importance of the opportunity I would have loved to have had to spend dinner with the President."
Meanwhile Dan Marino accepted Bush's invitation. No word yet if Dan brought his own NutriSystem dinner in a lunch box. I also have a political joke here but I won't make it because this is a sports only blog ... but it's really tempting.
On a side note -- I would normally post this with a picture of Saban on the practice field or Bush falling off a Segway or Marino's new bulimic physique. But alas, I cannot, because blogger.com is once again, as Kalibleek would say, taken a deuce on my blog. And not the kind that twinkles.
I can't complain because blogger.com is a free service. So I have to deal with it, as do you dear reader. No pictures on new posts until blogger.com irons out their daily problem. Just remember kids, any time anything is free of charge ... there’s a 100% chance that sooner rather than later, that free thing is going to SUCK ass. You get what you pay for, I suppose.
Anyway ... Saban rules, Marino is really thin and Bush is a moron (damn! sorry.).
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Dude Emerges To Answer Your E-Mails
--It’s been like a week since you posted anything. What have you been doing?
Been workin like a sumbitch. This is the busiest time of my year – late July to early August. Also, I’ve really had nothing to write about since the Heat won the title (which has not stopped being friggin awesome!). Sure, I can write about the Heat being scheduled to play on Christmas Day again or Dan Marino’s new NutriSystem commercials. But, meh. Dan lost 20 pounds and it shows! My childhood idol looks like a malnourished commercial fisherman now! He's all leathery and sun burned and has a thin pencil-neck. Seriously, what the hell! This was the last thing Marino needed to be peddling. You know who needs to hawk NutriSystem (and diet on it)? That one-balled no talent hack, John Kruk -- that's who. That fat bastard is looking more and more like a blowfish every night. Just watch him as he tries to analyze A-Rod’s swing on Baseball Tonight. He’s out of breath and sucking wind like he just sprinted 2 miles before he gets his second sentence out. And could his head get any bigger? It looks like it’s about to explode like that dude’s head did in the movie “Scanners.” Except instead of brains and blood smeared all over the Baseball Tonight set and crew, there’ll be pancake batter everywhere. Okay … I’m done.
--Do you have a girlfriend?
Currently I do not. The Dude is unfettered. Are you hot? If so, feel free to e-mail me again. Wait. Are you a woman?
--Seen any good movies lately?
The last movie I saw in the theater is Superman Returns which I enjoyed very much (I am a HUGE Superman fan. In fact, I sport a very Shaq-like Superman tattoo on my left shoulder. And yes, Captain Caveman, I can fight.)
--What CD do you currently have in your CD player?
Right now, I have “10,000 Days” by Tool. Not as good as their previous stuff. But still, it’s Tool. Tool rocks!
--Read any good books so far this Summer?
With very little personal time, I have not been able to read much. Earlier this year I read “Fantasyland” by Sam Walker. Very entertaining read (if you play fantasy baseball). And I just picked up a copy of “Feeding The Monster” by Seth Mnookin. So far it’s really good. And yes, I do read other stuff besides sports related books. But sports is my passion – reading about it, writing about it and participating in it.
--What are your favorite blogs to read?
That one’s easy. I take about twenty minutes from work daily to scan the net and read my favorite blogs (and eek out a comment or two here and there). There’s Deadspin, of course. I am a commenter there and it’s really cool. But I’ve noticed a spike of new commenters lately and I gotta say, it’s getting awfully crowded (and less funny). But hey, I’m not complaining. Just making an observation.
There’s also Kissing Suzy Kolber which I’ve pushed on you guys here before. Should be a lot of fun to read as the season progresses.
I’ve also been a long time reader of Father Knows Shit. In fact, I believe I am the first loyal reader of that blog. Just saying. Now it’s getting crowded too. Like that one episode of Seinfeld when Kramer swims in the East River and then Elaine’s boyfriend figures out how good for the back it is and invites a bunch of back patients to join them and Kramer is all, "You people get your own river to swim in!". Yea, it’s like that. And like the East River, F.K.S. is full of shit. Not litteral shit. And no, it’s not full of shit as in the traditional way of saying it, like, “That George W. Bush is full of shit!” I mean the word shit appears in it a lot. It’s even in the title. The word Shit makes me laugh. If I ever become a movie star because of my movie star good-looks and appear on Inside The Actor’s Studio with James Lipton and he asks me what my favorite curse word is, know what I’m going to say? That’s right. Motherfucker! Anyway, F.K.S. has been on a tear lately with its list of Assholes, Douchebags and Badasses. Very funny. Like me.
You know I’m a regular at SporTech Matter. JD is the man. He’s also been more faithful to posting than I have. He’s good like that. Me? I think I qualify as an Asshole under the F.K.S. guidelines. I will say this – there aren’t a lot of South Florida based sports blogs out there but as far as I’m concerned, we two are THE best. The best, Jerry! THE BEST!!
I also frequent Karmic Payback. There’s something about a war veteran Marine who picks up hot chicks, writes about it as well as writes about his time in Iraq and frequently posts pictures of cats in clothing that says, "This blog kicks ass." Every now and then I like to visit New York on my vacation time. Next time I go up there, I’m going to meet up with the Captain and go pick up chicks together. I swear I am. It needs to be done. Like when Michael Mann put DeNiro and Pacino together in Heat. Needed to be done.
There’s also Stuck on The Palmetto. THE best South Florida blog there is. Period. Plus, Rick is funny, rants about the dumb-ass politicians down here and plays a mean game of golf. Gotta love that.
Kalibleek is one of my new favorites. He’s a Chargers fan which sucks from my perspective. But he’s also a Heat fan, which rocks! And he is one funny dude. Kali posted one of the funniest blog-post headlines I’ve ever read. Only because, as a blogger on a free blog site, I feel his pain.
I like the Mighty MJD a lot and YaY Sports is always a must-read for me. As is The Basketball Jones.
--Any summer movie you’re dying to see?
Well I’ve already seen Superman. I guess I’ll see Pirates soon. Yes, I’m the guy who hasn’t seen it yet. I’ll be sure to donate my $10.00 to their $500,000,000.00 pot soon. I do want to see Miami Vice. Because it’s Miami, because I remember the show and because Colin Farrell is cool. Besides, I had a beer with him one night while he was shooting the movie down here. Happened over at Tobacco Road. Very cool guy.
Anyway, that’s it for now. I’ll be posting more frequently. I promise. And keep those e-mails coming!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Better Know The Dolphins
But today, for your reading pleasure, check out Kissing Suzy Kolber's take on the Dolphins in their awesome Better Know A Football Team series. Funny stuff from my man Captain Caveman and my fellow Deadspinner commenters over there at KSK.
Okay ... see you when things cool down at work. Or as soon as the Jason Taylor divorce hearings start getting Michael Strahan ugly. Later!
Labels: Miami Dolphins
Monday, July 17, 2006
Stuff That Happened While I Was Away
First of all, I am deeply thankful for all your comments and e-mails that you’ve sent this past week regarding my loss. I really appreciate everyone’s thoughts and prayers and well wishes. You guys are the best. Truly and honestly. Thank you.
Now … onto the blog …
-- Zo Comes Back! That’s right, looks like Alonzo Mourning will be returning to the Heat next season. The Spurs had made him an offer and there were rumors that the Mavericks were in on the Zo hunt as well. But Zo’s agent called Mark Cuban and declined the offer, causing Cuban to leap out of his seat, flail his arms in the air and scowl at a framed picture of David Stern in his office. And then he wrote a long passionate tirade on his blog about that damn fu%&ing click fraud! And then he blamed the refs.
Gotta be happy about Zo coming back. It’s one more season of him pointing to the sky after every made free throw and one more season of him yelling after every dunk like someone dropped a hammer on his big toe. Only we Heat fans can appreciate that stuff without making too much fun of it. We know Zo. We love Zo. The man is all passion and it shows in everything he does. Zo was a huge part of our 2006 Championship title and having him back for the chance at defending it is huge.
-- No Worries, Miami – D-Wade is Here To Stay. For some reason, the Arbiters Of High Culture that is South Florida sports talk radio had a running debate last week about whether or not Wade was being greedy for signing the 3 year deal for more money instead of the 5 year deal to get him under contract longer. Look, the guy made a business decision. Period. He’s not going anywhere. Ever. No matter how badly Bill Simmons wants him to leave for a more deserving fan base like, oh I don’t know … say … Boston? He’s not. He’s a Heater …. er, I mean a Heatian … no, wait I mean a Heat … no, that can’t be right. Oh hell … you know what I mean! He’s going to end his career with the Miami Heat! There! Damn stupid nick name!
-- The Heat lose the Mike James sweepstakes. And by sweepstakes I mean a Glee Club Drawing For Dinner for Two at China Panda more than the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes drawing. Still, this means we’re likely to have one more go round with Gary Payton. Now, I love GP and am eternally grateful for his major contributions in helping the Heat win the NBA Championship. But this is a whole new season we’re talking about. One where Payton will be a year older and two steps slower. And right now, he’s the only legit back up to D-Wade we got. Seriously, it would be better if GP just walked away on top, knarled chewing gum in mouth, crooked smile, talking trash on his way out. Instead, looks like we’re going to have to keep our fingers crossed -- again. Speaking of keeping our fingers crossed – let’s all hope ‘Toine is staying away from them post championship buffets. Any wagers on this? Any at all?
-- And here’s something I missed: The Heat re-signed Jason Kapono. Awright!! We got at least one more season of watching Kapono high five the guys when they come to the bench during time-outs.
Okay … That’s zero Big Bens and two Flips. Well … good luck with all that.
Dolphins training camp starts soon. And soon after that, the NFL season! Until then, you’re going to have to endure more of these bullet posts … Cause there aint much happenin in Miami Sports right now. Eh, the dog days. How I miss taking a full post to make fun of and vent my anger at Antoine Walker. Nah well ...
Stay cool out there. It’s friggin hot. And … as always … STAY WHITE!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night.
In the mean time, if you are interested in joining a Fantasy Football League to play against The Dude, JD over at SporTech Matter has opened up a public league. As of this writing (2:00 PM EST Tuesday) there are 3 slots left. So if you're interested in beating the brains out of The Dude while he curses and punches the wall because he drafted "sleeper" Jamal Lewis, click here and join in the fracas. Tell em The Dude sent you.
Hope to be back soon. Take care of yourselves and each other (did I just quote Jerry Springer there? Damn ... I sure as hell did. Sorry.)
Friday, July 07, 2006
Jumping The Couch
- Minor League Baseball team, the Lake Elsinore Storm, gave away Tom Cruise bobble couch dolls last week. You can buy yourself one on eBay. Personally, I think the doll looks more like the Fonze trying to take a shit while saying "Heyyy!!!" I also think it would be cool if the Storm gave away an accompanying "Brain Washed Katie Holmes" bobble head doll as well. Except that instead of her head, her eyes would bobble and the doll would have a string that you pull to make it say, "Help me ... help me ..."
- This via SporTech Matter: Our very own Miguel Cabrera will participate in the All Star Game's Home Run Derby on Monday. So tune in and root for our boy.
- ESPN Page 2 is hiring. But you have to know what's cool to be considered. Because we all know how ESPN is the arbiter of coolness.
- The NFL is trying to "jazz up" its new program NFL Replay with rap. Oakland Raider and former Hurricane (the 5 time National Champion Hurricanes, that is) Warren Sapp will sing about watching games on Sunday, popping up from behind a couch that then breaks apart to reveal a football field. Another former Cane, Clinton Portis will appear in different flashy outfits, like he does for postgame interviews. I swear I did not make that up. I think we should get Kalibleek to consult on this before it becomes a train wreck of stupidity and self-parody.
- Looks like the Heat may not make any big splashes in the free agent market this off season. Personally, I think we need to retire Gary Payton, give him his ring, thank him for his contributions, vote him into the Hall of Fame and sign us a young defensive guard to replace him. Lindsey Hunter, perhaps? (Update, Hunter re-signed with Detroit. Thanks JD).
- JE Skeets' take on some of the bigger off-season NBA moves.
- Bill Simmons -- the same Bill Simmons that said Dwyane Wade should not re-sign with Miami -- apparently has changed his mind. Leave it to D-Wade to have the power to silence not only Mark Cuban (who went into exile for a week after the NBA Finals ended) but also the Sports Guy -- who, again, we love ... but does carry the obnoxious self-importance all New England sports fans carry, a bit too heavily. Plus he said D-Wade should leave and that's a big No-No round these parts.
- Nick Saban is telling his guys to cool it. You hear that Daunte??? Save it for the season buddy!!
- The Dude has been invited to participate in an all Deadspin commenters Fantasy Football league. This should be fun. I of course will post my progress every week. The Dude welcomes any and all fantasy related tips.
And finally, ESPN has this poll question: Who would you trust to hit a walk-off HR. This led me to ponder my own poll question (even though, technically, I am not posting a poll): If you had either of these guys on your team. And you needed A-Rod to hit a game-winning RBI or Shaq to hit a game winning free throw, which one would you choose?
I just blew my mind.
By the way, I've listed my ESPN poll votes in the comments section.
See you all Monday. Have a great weekend.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Hey, I'm THE Dude
Did I say I'd post something new Wednesday? Sorry about that. But I'm here today, man!
Since it's a rather slow time for Miami sports and since I can't find any new original Miami Heat videos on YouTube, I've decided to give you some proverbial Blog Bullets instead. Happy Reading ...
- Just discovered this via Stuck On The Palmetto, but there seems to be another The Dude out there. This will not stand, man. I'm THE Dude! Whatever. Just so that you're not confused, this sight has nothing to do with me. You want to read my stuff, just keep coming back here or scan the Deadspin.com comment boards. The Dude abides. The REAL Dude anyway.
- This is old news but, yes, D-Wade will remain a Heat for at least another 5 seasons. Sorry Bill Simmons ... I know how badly you thought Wade should leave Miami. And good luck to them Lottery Celtics next season!
- The always great JE Skeets found an interesting excerpt in the book: The Sixth Man: A Season Inside the NBA Playground. (And his post headline is very original and funny).
- No one -- and I mean no one -- is covering the Florida Marlins like my main man, JD over at SporTech.
- Some of my boys from Deadspin have put together a great Football blog. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. There really aren't any good football blogs out there so this one hits the spot. And these guys always bring The Funny.
- More old news: Ben Wallace pulled a Johnny Damon and went for the money. Big Ben is no longer a Piston. Here is some fan reaction. Personally, I think the Pistons will still be better than the Bulls. Too many jumping onto the Baby Bulls bandwagon.
That's it for now. Hope you all had a fun and safe 4th of July.
Until next time.
-The REAL Dude
Monday, July 03, 2006
I'm Headed To The Keys ... So No New Posts Til Wednesday.
Have Fun.Get Drunk.Stay Safe.Get Laid
It's What The Forefathers Fought For!