Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Nothing Like Some Heat News To Get Our Minds Off The Dolphins (Never Thought I'd Live To Say That) ... man this title is long!!

Riley: Decision to return to Heat 'was a no-brainer'

MIAMI -- After winning his fifth NBA title as a head coach, Pat Riley spent the next two months keeping most of the Miami Heat organization guessing about his next move.

Turns out, there was no reason for their angst.

Riley revealed Tuesday that the decision to return was easy, saying he quickly realized the defending NBA champions would be best-served with him on the sideline.

He didn't make the decision publicly known until Aug. 23, exactly two months after the Heat held their celebratory championship parade through downtown Miami.

"It was a no-brainer," Riley said in his bay-view office, as many Heat players participated in a pre-camp workout a few feet away. "After we won the title, the more I thought about it, I probably just should have made the announcement. And it has to do with this team and this time, what I think they need, and what they expect from me and from this organization."

So, it's back-to-work time for Riley and his team.

A 3-inch-thick playbook sat on the table, awaiting another editing session, while a staffer designed more plays on a computer outside the office. Talks with free agents are continuing, training camp starts next week, the first preseason game is two weeks away, and the regular season opens Oct. 31.

Heat guard Dwyane Wade the MVP of the finals against Dallas, said he never doubted Riley would return.

"When you've got everybody on your team coming back ... to try to repeat, on a team you hand-picked, let's go do it again. Let's go give it another try," Wade said. "He's the only person that can coach this team right now. I wasn't worried. I knew he would come back. Well, I didn't know it, but I was very confident."

The Heat will bring back most of last season's championship team; only reserve Derek Anderson has had ties severed with the organization. Free-agent forward Shandon Anderson is still in talks and could return, but no contract is in place yet.



Monday, September 25, 2006

Can We Play Against Kerry Collins Every Week???



A 13-10 win against the Titans? Are you serious? 13-10 against one of the worst teams in the NFL? At home no less? Five sacks allowed to a defense that is averaging 1 sack – as a team – per game this season? And had any other quarterback besides the chronically shitty Kerry Collins been at center for Tennessee, this game would have been THE upset of the week.

Miami’s secondary continues to refuse to cover and or close in on people. The two interceptions? That’s what you get when Kerry Collins is the other team’s quarterback. Both passes were Fieldereske and the Fins just happened to have guys in the right place at the right time.

Zach Thomas – for all his heart and soul and scrappy play – looks like a man whose career has passed him by.

And where the hell has Jason Taylor been? I understand he’s going through personal issues. But could he at least show up when we play the crappy teams? You know, for old time’s sake?

The offensive line looks atrocious. Absolutely appalling. It’s a mystery to me that the Steelers didn’t get 85 sacks when the teams played in the season opener. I can’t get over how bad the offensive line is. Yes, Daunte Culpepper looks like a guy who just learned how to play the QB position a week and a half ago – but the pass protection needs to take a huge part of the blame here too. And, they can’t open up holes for Ronnie Brown. They just can’t. Brown’s limitless talent is being completely wasted. Thanks for nothing, Hudson Houck!

Olindo Mare. You, my friend, SUCK. Kickers that get paid the big bucks in the NFL can make their kicks from the in-field without excuses. Period.

Culpepper threw for a measly 168 yards against the Titans. THE TITANS! Those are Ray Lucas numbers! And Ray Lucas could at least run and THROW THE BALL AWAY WHEN THE PRESSURE CAME!!!!!

The win came because the Titans players began wilting in the South Florida September heat. As most people don’t know, summer lasts until December 15 here in Miami. The Fins also got the win because the Titans are so inept.

So, in essence, we can chalk this win up to nature and incompetence. Because it certainly had nothing to do with the Dolphins being any good.

Because they’re not. (And yes, if the Dolphins were 3-0 and winning games by 35 points, I’d be saying “WE are a very good team.” That’s how I talk. I’m a sports fan. I offer no apologies. Now fuck off!)

Any competent team would have sniffed out Chris Chambers’ end-around and stuffed him for a 15 yard loss. Any competent team would have intercepted Culpepper several times. And any competent team with even a half decent QB would have shredded the Dolphins secondary in this game.

Is it a win? Yea, sure. But see that picture up there? That’s what this win looks like to me.

Next week we face the Texans. And don’t assume we’re heading into Week 5 at 2-2 just because we’re facing the Texans. They have an actual quarterback who can, you know, actually throw the ball to wide open receivers. And they have two very outstanding receivers. And, dare I say, their offensive line is slightly better than ours. Also, the Texans defense is terrible. Which is to say, the Dolphins are just what the Texans defense needs to have themselves a big game!



Friday, September 22, 2006


The Glory IS HERE.

The Tradition IS HERE.

The Passion IS HERE.

The Overblown Expectations IS HERE.

The Gimpy Fumbling Quarterback IS HERE.

The Rabid, Irrational Dolphins Fans IS HERE.

The Coach That Likes To Say "Relative To" and "In Terms Of" IS HERE.

Look, all I’m going to say about the Titans matchup this weekend is: We better win and win big and not struggle and blow them out of our building.

Or else the shit is going to hit the fan.

And I don’t mean that metaphorically. I mean, literally, the majority of Dolphins fans will have one giant collective aneurism, go clinically insane and immediately begin tossing feces at things.

Look, the Titans suck. They SUCK. They’ve given up a ton of points this season and have … now check this out … Kerry Collins as their quarterback. Yes, they have Vince Young too. But the kid is a rookie. They also have Chris Brown, a guy who has no business playing running back in the NFL and should really be knocking on doors, giving people the electronic clipboard to sign, asking them their last name and handing them their package.

This is a Titans team that had a quarterback – head coach feud just this past week. The quarterback demanded to be traded, was traded and said some mean things on his way out.

The quarterback? Third stringer Billy Volek. That’s right. This Titans team is in such disarray that the head coach and a guy who isn’t good enough to supplant a rookie and Kerry Freakin Collins on the quarterback depth chart, are having a public spat.

So come on, Dolphins. No excuses. No excuses!

If you can’t beat these guys, then I want all my money back. All the money I’ve spent on Dolphins tickets, jerseys, bobblehead dolls, books, posters, t-shirts, caps, visors, wristbands, boxers, tickets (yes, I said it twice), mini-helmets, coffee mugs, beer huggers, car flags and, not to mention, all the time and energy and emotion I’ve spent on you guys. If you can’t beat the damn Titans, I want all of it back! You owe me. You owe all us fans.

Because this is no longer a football game. It’s a quest. It’s a quest to avoid an embarrassing 0-3 start at the hands of a team that will be battling the Raiders for the top pick in next year's NFL Draft. It's also a quest to win one goddamn football game. And you’re gonna win big. You’re gonna win so big we’re all gonna be whistling Zippity-Do-Da out of our assholes!!!

You see how close to the edge I am? … And I got the brand muffins and coffee ready.

So win!

Titans: 3
Dolphins: 31

By the way, the Sports Guy has chimed in on Culpepper. It’s not pretty. But it’s right on the mark. He's so right on the mark, I literally trembled when I read his column. The future looks bleak.



Need A Tailgating Song To Fire You Up On Sundays???

There's nothing. NOTHING. Nothing in this world like a damn good fight song. And what we Dolfans need in these troubled times is a song that unites us all. Because we ARE Dolfans for life. I know I am. After all, I've got Dolphins boxers. My sister? She's got the tights.

And once this song starts to spread throughout internet, eventually making its way through the city of Miami like an unstoppable rebel force ... there will be no stopping our beloved Dolphins from going 9-7 and just missing the playoffs when they lose to Buffalo in December!

Ok, it's no Sweet Shaun Alexander. But damn it if it's not just as awe inspiring. This song is like a party in your head. And everybody's throwing up because they were served bad fish.



Oh, and the picture of the cheerleader's ass? Nothing to do with the song. Just thought I'd post it here to minimize the pain.

via Stuck On the Palmetto & Riptide


Thursday, September 21, 2006

Pick Me Out A Winner ...


Taking a break from living in world where the Dolphins are 0-2 … it’s time to check up on the Dude’s Fantasy Leagues. Hoorahh!!

I’m in a few leagues with buddies of mine here and there, but for the sake of blogdom I will be updating my progress in two specific leagues I’m a part of:

The Deadspin Commenters Major League (I re-named it so JD doesn't get pissed thinking that I am belittling his league – which I am most certainly not. It's just that there are other Deadspin leagues and this one distinquishes itself as the Major League. Don’t piss off JD! He’ll go off on a Jeff Fisher like rant on yo ass!!*)

The SportTech Matter League (Started by the aforementioned JD, who runs the SporTech Matter blog who, by the way, gets my vote for Miami blog of the Month for posting a picture of Channing Crowder in drag.)

I suppose it’s good to list both leagues. Because I seem to be doing well in one while sucking ass in the other. So you get the best of both worlds. And, as I implicitly trust your wisdom, dear MSD reader, I will be asking for your fantasy feedback and any advice you may have – no matter how smart assy the advice is.
*JD: I kid because I love.

So here we go:

Deadspin League:

It’s a league of 16 – that’s right – 16 teams! And The Royal We (my team) are 1 of 4 to be 2-0. That’s right. 2 and 0. I’m smarter than Nick Saban.

My team has been riding the hot streak of several players. Of course, this hot streak won’t last all year … so I’m enjoying and gloating on the moment until everything collapses and my team becomes the shit kicking, bottom of the barrel, sucky suckersons it was destined to be. But it’s fun to be in 2nd place in a 16 team league.

This week, my QB Drew Bledsoe is on a bye week. And I’m sure he’ll throw 2 interceptions and get sacked 5 times while enjoying his time off. Enter my backup. The ever dangerous Alex Smith. He plays against Philly this week. And it’s either I start him or pick up Billy Volek from the waiver wire.

The rest of my team:
RB Edgerrin James
RB Brian Westbrook
WR Plaxico Burress
WR Antonio Bryant
K David Akers
D Carolina

This week we shoot for 3-0. Can it be done? Can Plaxico Burress keep playing at the high level he’s at right now? (OOO, LOOK OUT LOOK OUT!!!) Can Alex Smith step up in the absence of Bledsoe? (HELP ME!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!) Can The Royal We separate themselves from the other 15 teams and start the season off 3-0??? (MASHED POTATOES, GRAVY AND CRANBERRY SAUCE … WooOOhooooo!!!!!)
SporTech Matter League:

In a league of 10 teams, 2 of which are MSD regulars – JD and Kalibleek – The Crushernauts are a hapless 0-2 and dead last in the standings.

Matt Hasselbeck? A bum. A balding bum. I blame Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Bitch!
Randy Moss? I’d rather have Christopher Cross. Because I often find myself caught between the moon and New York City. I know … I know … It’s crazy. But it’s true.
Roy Williams? There are underachievers and there are guys who just don’t pan out. And then there’s this overrated crap artist.
Matt Jones? He shows up every week. But the Jags are not exactly the Bengals on offense.

I won’t get into the rest of the team other than to say my lone player is LaDanian Tomlinson … my first pick. After that, it as inept as a team can get. AND LT is on a bye week this week so … the hits just keep on coming…

And one more thing – from now on, I will not play in leagues that feature IDPs. It’s bad enough that I apparently know shit about offensive players, now they expect me to get all Bill Belichick and draft defensive players too?

So .., if you’re still with me … any advice, any tips, any thing at all. I need to keep momentum in one league and win one goddam game in the other.


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Trust The Nicktator ... or Die!!! Fans Asking For Saban's Firing Is Ridiculous

"Ill-fated. No chance.''

That’s what Nick Saban said about Daunte Culpepper’s costly interception against the Buffalo Bills Sunday. And that’s all it takes for me to stay faithful to the one they call the Nicktator. Why? Because he called it like it was. The old regime made an art out of making excuses for Jay Fiedler's lame duck passes. Saban? He called it ill-fated -- no chance. In other words: A dumb ass throw that should have never been made.

Saban's not perfect. He’s not going to make us into a Super Bowl winning dynasty in two weeks. But I have faith.

Don’t get me wrong.

I’m still steaming about the Dolphins crapping the bed over the weekend in their match against the Bills. I’ve since calmed down some, but I’m still mad. And I still think that this team is nowhere near to being a playoff team with Culpepper at the helm.

I’ve also been surfing the interweb and reading a lot of fans’ comments about the team. Some are rational (like MSD reader Tyler) and some are batshit crazy. The crazy ones are calling for Nick Saban’s firing.

What the f%$#????

Look, things are bad. 0-2 is bad. And, as I pointed out in yesterday’s post, most of Saban’s ‘06 moves have been bad – including the signing of Culpepper over Brees. The Sun-Sentinel has even posted a poll asking readers to vote on which of his moves have been the worst so far. The only glaring omission from this poll is the one move I hate the most – the hiring of offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey.

Look, Ralph Wilson is the Bills owner. The guy is old. I mean leathery, stale raisins old. Ralph Wilson is so old, his Social Security number is 1. And yet this geezer saw it fit to let Mularkey go without a fight. Of course, there’s a good chance that Mularkey entered Wilson’s office to hand in his resignation, saw Wilson sitting at his desk, stopped, turned around, shuttered, let out an involuntary “Eaarghh!!” while flailing his body about as if he just stepped into a cobweb and walked out of the office without saying a word. He then faxed in his resignation.

You get the point.

Old man Wilson was hip to the fact that Mularkey was not worth fighting for to keep as a head coach. And the only thing hip about any old dude is the artificial one surgically implanted in him.

Mularkey and his play calling has been a joke. I’m still pissed off that we went away from Ronnie Brown when it was painfully obvious the Bills could not contain him. During a 1 O’clock game, in the Miami humidity against a team where it snows during the Summer solstice, with a still peg-legged QB at center – here’s a novel idea: run the ball!!! And when you stop running, run it some more!!! Run, run, run. Run until the Bills players vomit their breakfast from the heat exhaustion! Run, damn it RUN!!!!!

I believe we’re seeing a sort of Wandstedian Revival with our play calling. And yes, I blame Saban.


Fire him? That would be ludicrous. Seriously. Saban is about the only positive thing we have going on around here. I always wondered how long it would take for idiotic Miami fans to lose patience with Saban when it’s been clear from the beginning – this thing is going to take some time to fix. It took Jimmy Johnson 3 seasons to turn the Cowboys into a dynasty. Took Bill Cohwer a long, long time to win his ring with the Steelers. It’s going to take time, people.

Trust the Nicktator. He’s our Darth Vader. He’s the guy that turned us from a 4-11 laughing stock to a respected winner again. He’s the guy that’s going to see us through. Just shut up and let the man work. LET THE MAN BUILD THIS TEAM.

The Nicktator rules! Yea – I said it. What? You wanna fight me over it? Let’s get it on!



Monday, September 18, 2006


Well … so much for my last post. Looks like the Dolphins were the one’s that ended up looking like my original metaphor – a big heaping bowl of shit.

A 16 - 6 pasting at the hands of a team led by JP Losman? That’s not supposed to happen. Not in our home. Not in September. Not with all the damned Super Bowl hype surrounding this joke of a team.

What went wrong?

The offensive line. Daunte Culpepper. The defense got tired. The Buffalo punter. The list is endless.

And the hits keep on coming. We’re now down 0-2. Not even Dave Wandstdett started this bad.

So let’s re-cap Nick Saban’s 2006 off-season moves so far:

-Offensive Lineman LJ Shelton: Called for several penalties today including false start and holding.

-CB/S Will Allen: Got burned AND got called for a pass interference against Buffalo. The double-whammy! This is the guy we essentially traded Sam Madison in for.

-1st Round Pick Jason Allen: Give him a mulligan because he’s a rookie. But so far, it’s safe to say the guy has been a bust.

-Offensive Coordinator Mike Mularkey: His play calling has been putrid and uninventive AND he inexplicably went away from Ronnie Brown even though he was averaging close to 5 yards per carry against Buffalo.

-QB Daunte Culpepper: Has shown he’s every bit the weak-minded, erratic, game-killing quarterback he was in Minnesota and has so-far proven skeptics like Bill Simmons and Jason Whitlock correct in their predictions that he would flop in Miami.

Mmmmmm .... not good. Relative to the performance of our football team and in terms of winning and losing.

So what can we conclude from all this?

First of all, fuck reason. I say – panic. What the hell. I just don’t see this team magically getting it’s shit together this season. The offensive line is what it is – a patch work. The secondary is terrible – which makes no sense to me at all because Saban is supposed to be an expert in the secondary. Culpepper is a talented QB. He’s got a big arm. But the guy doesn’t make me feel confident. He just doesn’t. From now on, whenever the team is driving in a big game, looking for a crucial TD, I’m never going to feel completely confident about it. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I’ll be waiting for him to somehow fuck it up.

In fact, I’ve never liked Culpepper. I’ve never liked the idea of us going after him. I wrote about it on this here blog and was almost decapitated by a lot of you. Two games into the season, I’d like to say “I told you so” but what good would that do? Won’t change the fact that we suck. Won’t change the fact that Culpepper is our QB. He’s here and he’s the best we’ve got. And no matter how bad it gets, you’re diluting yourself if you think Joey Harrington is this franchise’s savior. So, stop calling his name at the game, folks.

The good news: We face the equally hapless Titans next week.

The bad news: God help us if we lose that game.

But at this point, I say what the hell. Let’s just tank the season and go after Brady Quinn or Drew Stanton in next year’s NFL Draft. It’s the only way things will ever get better around here.

Yes, I’m going to panic. Yes, I'm going to throw in the towel. It’s my right as a fan. There is no reasonable explanation that you can offer me that will make me change my mind or think otherwise about this team. The offensive line is what it is. Culpepper is who he is. And our Dolphins are down 0-2 in a conference featuring the Patriots, Colts, Steelers, Bengals, Ravens, Jaguars and Chargers.

What’s the point?

What’s the fucking point of it all??????

Elswhere: SporTech Matter sums up a suck-ass weekend for Miami sports

Friday, September 15, 2006


You see that pic, Bills fans? That’s right. It’s the appropriate, obligatory pre-game metaphor for what’s going to happen to your team this Sunday. That’s right. Your team is going to resemble a plate of shit.

Oh. I’ve just been told that is a picture of a plate of buffalo wings. My bad.

Anyway … back to the hyperbole blog entry …

Let the ass kicking commence. Last week’s loss to the Steelers was good for the Fins. That’s right. I said it. It was a necessary evil. Just like last year when Reuben Droughns ran all over the defense and the Fins dropped an ultra-embarrassing loss to the Cleveland Browns. After that, they strung together that mad winning streak -- including that win over the Pats that New England fans insist was meaningless -- and never looked back. And … were not good enough to make the playoffs but were just good enough to fall deep in the NFL Draft, thus missing the opportunity to draft my favorite player coming out of college, Vanderbilt QB Jay Cutler, who is going to be a stud in this league. Mark my words. Damn you Mike Shanahan! You’re killing fantasy football and now you draft Cutler!? Damn you, you leather faced, googly eyed bastard!! I hope you get ghonerria!

But I digress.

I’m glad we lost to the Steelers. That’s right. GLAD. Why? Because there’s nothing I hate more than pre-season hype – especially when that hype is directed at my Dolphins. You see, we don’t handle hype very well. Miami sports teams are better served when coming in under the radar. Just look at the recent South Florida championship teams: The 1997 Marlins. No one saw that coming. Well, they did because Wayne Huizenga spent something like two billion dollars for that lineup – much to the chagrin of Bob Costas (which made that World Series championship win all the sweeter. I hate that little bastard).

Okay, bad example.

Let’s start over: The 2003 Marlins. No one saw that coming. Everyone was talking about a Yankees-Giants World Series, remember? The 2004 Miami Heat. Everyone was talking about Detroit, Detroit and more Detroit with a little San Antonio sprinkled in. And there’s even this year’s Marlins, who were doing awesome and were about to win the NL Wild Card and kick major NL ass and kick the Yankees ass again in the World Series when, all of a sudden, ESPN and everyone else started hyping them up as a “sleeper” pick. Note to the World Wide Leader: When you, of all networks, call a team or a player a “sleeper,” they then cease to be a “sleeper.” Fuck you ESPN!

So, when the NFL & ESPN ran their 18 1/2 hour pre game show last Thursday, all the talk was about the Dolphins being a Super Bowl team. And I knew it would kick us in the ass.

So, now that Charlie Batch just threw his 12th TD against our secondary, all the Super Bowl talk has faded away. The usual suspects are now in the conversation: New England, Indianapolis, Seattle, Pittsburgh, etc.

So now that the hype has died down, it’s time to start the real season. At home against the Bills. That’s right, JP Losman. Prepare to have your skinny Adam Sandler looking head stuffed up your ass.

Culpepper is going to come out slingin. Ronnie is going to come out runnin like a Mack truck.

And Saban is going to be throwing the red challenge flag like Nolan Ryan threw a fastball.

This victory will then bring back all the Super Bowl hype, thus fucking us over. But hey – a loss to New England will fix all that.

(Oh and … GO CANES tomorrow!)


Thursday, September 14, 2006

Red Flags and No Hitters ... Miami Sports Went On Without The Dude. I'm Shocked!! SHOCKED!!!

Shit I missed while I was climbing rocks & finding myself …

- The Canes Lost to FSU for the second straight year. Ever since Beano Cook picked us to beat Ohio State in the National Championship back in 2002, it’s been all down hill. Fuck you Beano Cook!

- Anibal Sanchez Throws A No-Hitter. One more mark in the glorious history of a baseball team no one gives a shit about. Well, except all 12 of us Marlins fans. The best part of this for me? Annoying the hell out of the displaced New Englanders down here. How’s that Josh Beckett trade working out for ya, chief?

- The Heat re-signed Gary Payton. Whoa boy. I guess I should back off since he helped us win the NBA Finals and all. But still. You know it’s going to be one more year of screaming at the TV: “PASS THE BALL GARY!”

- The Dolphins lost their Opening Night game. The defense played horribly and the Steelers showed us why pre-season hype is just empty noise. On the other hand, the media got to do what it does best: harp on a non issue and beat it into the ground. Saban didn’t throw the red flag in time! Oh no! ... Let’s move on, folks. Buffalo is in town. Time for Jason Taylor to make JP Losman shit his pants like that redneck that stabbed him a few months ago.

- Big props to JD and Kalibleek for checking in on me. I'm sure they were starting what was in their minds the preliminary stage of a homicide investigation. But, the Dude lives. By the way, Kali, here’s a tip for you: The next time you want to bet money on the Dolphins … don’t. Trust me.

P.S. I lost in my first game of the season in the SporTech Matter fantasy league. But I won my first game in the Deadspin league (the official league). So, there you go.


Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Yes ... I've been gone. But I am back! I apologize to my faithful readership -- which probably isn't all that faithful anymore -- for my long hiatus. It was unavoidable ... Where do I start? I ... I ...

I ran out of gas.

I had a flat tire.

I didn't have enough money for cab fare.

My tux didn't come back from the cleaners.

An old friend came in from out of town.

Someone stole my car.

There was an earthquake.

A terrible flood.



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