the Miami Sports Dude

Look here, fellow Dolphin Fans (I refuse to use the term Dolfans. It’s like we’re a bunch of morons who either don’t know how to spell or are too lazy to write Dolphins Fans. Enough already. Besides, it sounds too much like J-Lo and that just can’t happen), it’s time to start cheering for a 1-15 season. That’s right. I said it. And if you call yourself a true Dolphins fan, you will agree with me that this course of action is the only way we’ll ever return this team to glory.

You want to make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs. I touched on this a few posts ago. And now that we lost yet again, completely destroying any hope of getting into the playoffs this year, there’s really only one thing to do. Lose. Lose some more. And keep on losing. And then earn ourselves the number one overall pick in next year’s NFL Draft. It almost worked a few years ago when we went 4-11 and got the number 2 overall pick. But number 2 sucks. No one wants to get the silver or bronze. We want the Gold metal. The Gold metal of sucking. But, with the way things are going around here, we probably won’t even get this right. We suck even at sucking.

Anyway …

2006 is over. It’s finished. At 1-6 and unable to beat the likes of the Packers or the Texans, this season is done. So, if you’re a real fan, it’s time to start cheering for this team to lose all of their remaining games. Why? Because the only way this team is going to start to turn around and be a winner again is to build with a franchise quarterback. And after watching this past weekend’s college games, I’m convinced that this year’s best is Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn. He’s going to be the consensus choice for the number one overall pick. And I want him wearing a Dolphins uniform in 2007.

Now, as far as I can tell, the Raiders are the only real threat to derail this dream. That and another stupid, meaningless, futile winning streak that we like to run off late during a season when there’s no chance in hell of making the playoffs. Those kind of winning streaks are like kissing your sister.

The good news is the Raiders won their first game Sunday. So now it’s a dead heat to the finish line. What are the chances the Raiders win another game? Christ, it’s not good. But I will say this – their secondary puts ours to shame. So there’s some hope yet.

As for the other shitty teams in the NFL: Well, if we finish with the same record as the Packers, we still pick ahead of them because they beat us. Plus, they already have their future set in Aaron Rodgers. The Browns – they seem to like Charlie Frye and would be dumb to draft another QB when they could easily fill other holes and continue building around Frye, Braylon Edwards and Kellen “Fucking Soldier” Winslow Jr. The Titans and Texans are also both set at QB for the future. Detroit is another problem. But their offense is just explosive enough to win maybe 2 more games before the season – hopefully including the Thanksgiving Day game against our Losers – is over. Go Lions! Plus, I’m not too worried about Detroit. Even if they get to pick ahead of us, Matt Millen will fuck it up and draft yet another wide receiver or something.

That leaves the only logical choice: Your Miami Dolphins. If there is a God, or at least good karma in the Universe – then we should be rewarded with Quinn. Lord knows we need a QB more than any other team in the NFL. Sure, the Raiders need one too. But they’re the Raiders. They’re evil. So they deserve nothing but people like Randy Moss and Al Davis and Jeff Hostetler.

We need a QB in the worst way. Daunte Culpepper, healthy or not, is not the answer. Joey Harrington? Pfft. Next.

Brady Quinn is the cornerstone in which to build a winning franchise for the next 10 years. Will Quinn turn us around and make us instant Super Bowl contenders? Absolutely not. We need young defensive guys and we need guys WHO PLAYED COLLEGE BALL SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE FUCKING SEC!!! YOU HEAR ME SABAN??? GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE SEC YOU STEVE SPURRIER REJECT!!!!

But a QB like Quinn is where you start. And you build from there. Build a solid O-line in front of him, get him guys who CAN CATCH, build a young, fast, hard hitting defense around him as well. And get him an offensive coordinator who can tell the difference between a football and, oh I don’t know, let’s say … a monkey.

Simple enough. Getting there is another thing.

The only thing that can derail the dream is if we win another game. And Saban. At this point his “good vibrations” act has grown tiresome. And I fear that even if we do get lucky and win the NFL Draft Lottery and Quinn is just waiting for us to call his name and is ready to put on the Dolphins cap, Saban’s loyalty to Culpepper will destroy any chance at getting Quinn. He’s a bona fide winning QB the likes we haven’t seen around here since old No. 13 roamed the fields with his magical Thunder Bolt arm. And Saban will probably throw away the chance at getting him.

Saban’s loyalty to Culpepper, his stubborn pride and his complete lack of skills in evaluating football talent could derail this whole thing. So we have a lot going against us here.

But I think we can do it.

The Dolphins have a bye week this week. Then they face the Bears, Chiefs, Vikings, Lions, Jaguars, Patriots, Bills, Jets and Colts. The games that scare me the most – that is, the games that we could possibly win – are the Chiefs (because their coaching is as inept as ours), the Lions (because it’s the Lions), Bills (because, amazingly enough, their quarterback sucks more than our quarterback) and Colts (because they may have clinched homefield by then and we’ll be playing against Jim Sorgi and the Funky Bunch Bench Warmers).

But keep hope alive, Dolphins Fans.

Let’s lose all our games and when we do, let’s make sure Nick Saban knows what we want.

WE WANT QUINN DAMN IT!

WE WANT QUINN!!!!!

Labels: Miami Dolphins