Friday, October 06, 2006

Rule #1 To Building A Champion: Sh%# The Bed: Dolphins at Patriots

So you can’t beat the Houston Texans, which STATS Inc. says is giving up roughly 199.5 points a week, on average, to opposing offenses. And you are on pace to shatter the all time NFL record for sacks allowed (ironically, held by the Houston Texans) and you make Mario Williams look like the steal of the NFL Draft (When the CBS announcer was talking about the Texans defense before Sunday’s game, and the camera pointed at Williams, he said, “Mario Williams has yet to record a sack this season!” Then I said to no one in particular, “Well, today will be a day Mario will remember for the rest of his life. Cause he’s getting his first sack.”)

You can only score 15 points against the Texans. You couldn’t cover Mr. Magoo if he was running routes. And your giving away sacks like it’s candy on Halloween.

How in the hell do you expect to beat the Patriots IN Foxboro?

Uhh … you can’t.

If there was ever a Survivor Pool pick … this is it. If you’re in desperate need for some quick cash, why not fly to Vegas and bet your house on this game? (Patriots to win, sucka!)

So I’m not even going to bother with a prediction other than to say, we will be 1-4 by week’s end.

There's really only one way to approach the rest of this miserable season. And that's to start looking to next year's NFL Draft. Because, my fellow Dolfans, our team will be picking somewhere near the top. I guarantee it.

So, Dolfans … take your pick. Who do you want with the 4th pick in next year’s NFL Draft?

Here’s a quick primer on some guys I like:

OT Joe Thomas, Wisconsin: Projected to be the top left tackle in the ’07 Draft. Would’ve been a top 10 pick this year had it not been for a knee injury. But he’s fully recovered and is a beast of a kid with room to grow.

How bout a quarterback? After Brady Quinn goes Number 1 overall to the Raiders, there will still be some dudes to build a franchise around like …

Brian Brohm, Louisville: Canes fans know him well. He just got injured but no doubt he’ll be ready for the NFL.

Or, my personal favorite college QB prospect right now:

Drew Stanton, Michigan State: Can't you just hear Mel kiper Jr. now after the Dolphins select this kid after Chris Berman already revealed who the pick would be before Roger Goodell announces it?: "This is a dang gum good pick. Drew Stanton is a big game guy who shows flashes of brilliance and really brings a gunslinger's mentality to the quarterback position..."

He’s raw but he’s this year’s Jay Cutler – whom I wanted the Fins to draft but that googly eyed freakazoid Mike Shanahan beat us to him.

There are more guys, but right now these are my top 3 as far as our needs are concerned.

There’s only one way to look at a losing season where we may only win 3 games. And that’s to look at the leader-board for the NFL Draft. Mel's hair awaits ...

Let’s face it. This isn’t our year. So let’s not shoot for mediocrity. Why finish 9-7 just so you can miss the playoffs and get a middle round pick where we can draft yet another overrated SEC defensive back with a bum knee?

Let’s really go for it, fellas! Let’s shit the bed and crank out a truly horrible season. See the Colts? They did it and got Peyton Manning! The Chargers have shit the bed several times and got LaDanian Tomlinson, Drew Brees and Philip Rivers! The Giants shit the bed a couple of years ago and were able to get Eli Manning. The Bengals? They've made shitting the bed a true art form in the past. They are the Dallas Cowboys of shitting the bed, America's Bed Shitting Team ... And now they have Carson Palmer.

All these teams are real Super Bowl contenders now. It just took a little bed-shitting to get there. So let’s rip a page out of their bed shitting strategy and really spray it thick this season and let’s start re-building. Because it’s the only way we’ll ever be a true Super Bowl contender, instead of an over hyped piece of crap that let’s all us fans down year after year after year after year.

So, let’s do it! We suck ... but I wanna REALLY suck!


I Believe!


You've officially lost your mind. But who could blame you?

Nice theory, though. I guess we'll see.
Yea I guess that's the way to go. When we shit the bed a few years ago, we got ... Ronnie Brown!

BUT don't forget it can all back fire and you can shit the draft too even after shitting the season.

Ryan Leaf ring a bell?
just read on espn that harrington will be starting today over culpepper.

and after he throw his 3rd INT, we're going to start hearing all the culpepper haters start calling for.... culpepper.

(or lemon????)

eee ghhaadds....

Looks like we're one step closer to your Master Plan, Dude.

I have to give props to Harrington for a solid game. That 2nd INT was such a fluke. I guess when you're 1-3 everything that can go wrong, does (turnovers, penalties, muffed punts, etc.)

The defense has gotten a lot of heat the past few weeks but I think the main reason we're 1-4 is because this crap offense can't score more than 10 or 17 points per game!!!

My depression is turning to apathy. When does basketball season start?
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