Sunday, February 18, 2007

Kapono And His Pretty Hair Shoot Lights Out

Jason Kapono won the 2007 3-Point Shootout on All-Star Saturday, beating star shooters Gilbert Arenas and Dirk Nowitzki.

The Billion Dollar Penis watched and gave his usual showy standing ovation when Nowitzky was introduced – all while apparently giving color commentary on some radio station. And everyone expected heavy favorite Gilbert Arenas to put on a hibachi-hot shooting display to shame all others. But it was Kapono who ended up giving the shooting clinic, and beating out the big stars to claim the prize.

Kapono got off to a hot start in the first round. As the first shooter of the night he, as Magic Johnson put it, set the tone for the rest of the competitors. Kapono finished with 19 first round points -- third behind Arenas and Nowitzki’s first round scores (Mike Miller, Jason Terry and ex-Heat Damon Jones failed to advance to the final round).

Since he entered the final round with the least points, Kapono shot first. He went on to a near-perfect performance, scoring 24 points – one shy of the 3-point competition record and placing the pressure squarely on Nowitzki and Arenas.

Nowitzki came up lame when it counted (shocking!) and managed only 9 points while a flaccid?…er…limp?…er…drooping?…er…sagging?…er...wilting?…er… let’s say subdued… Mark Cuban watched with dejection from his seat. No doubt, somehow, Cuban will be blaming the refs for this. Watch for it this week on his blog.

Gilbert Arenas came next. Arenas scared us a little. This is because he’s a great shooter. And because he’s a batshit crazy shooting savant, which means he could’ve gotten hot while shouting “Cabo Wabo!!!” and heaving shots off Dick Bevetta’s groin and still making all of them. But alas, he only managed 17. Whew!

Jason Kapono was triumphant. He jabbed at Shaq’s feeble free-throw shooting prowess a little when Reggie Miller’s Sister asked Kapono what advice the Diesel gave him prior to the competition.

Kapono then reminded us that he realizes he’s a Caucasian pro-basketball player: "It's something that I dreamed of as a kid. You watch Larry Bird and all those guys shoot, and obviously I learned early on that I wasn't ever going to be in on the slam dunk part of this."

Congratulations, Jason Kapono, 2007 All Star 3-Point Shootout Champion!
Other All Star High Lights:
Boston’s Gerald Green won the slam dunk contest, beating defending champion Nate Robinson. Anyone else know who Gerald Green was before this? Yea me neither.
Big fat Charles Barkley beat 67 year old referee Dick Bavetta in a foot race. Comedy in the highest form.
Magician duo Penn and Teller performed a saw-the-man-in-half trick with Spurs guard Tony Parker. The best part of the illusion? Not once did TNT go to a shot of Eva Longoria in the stands during the entire performance, even going so far as to fading to commercial as Parker and the magicians left the stage! Some say magic is just slight of hand and optical illusions. But after I saw that, I believe.


When is Wade Jones going to compete in this challenge? He's calm, collected and has a will to win!

Seriously, though, congrats to Kapono. No one should be shocked.

Ah, I never tire of "Mark Cuban is a dick" jokes. Because he is.

Stay White...lmao

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