Sunday, June 18, 2006

Mark Cuban Gestures Like an Aroused Monkey More Than Is Statistically Possible

Some final thoughts on the Stackhouse suspension & Mark Cuban’s reaction, before tonight's game:

Avery Johnson: “This is what I call ridiculous. The league is so inconsistent. I've been holding my tongue all year about the foolishness, just the foolishness that goes on there. They're so inconsistent.”

Mark Cuban: "It makes no sense at all. There have been more 'accidental' elbows to Mavs' player's heads this series than is statistically possible....More stiff-arms to faces of our double teams, all without response. Shaq creates more dangerous contact camping in the lane for five seconds, trying to set an NBA record for charges taken by a center, than Stack did trying to prevent a layup."

Avery’s comments should be viewed as a coach going to bat for his suspended player. I don’t fault Johnson for saying what he said. It’s what a coach is supposed to do during a situation like this. It’s part of what makes Avery Johnson a great coach.

But Cuban? The Billion Dollar Penis proves, once again, why owners need to shut up and sign the checks and write trite, prosaic blogs during games while gesticulating like feral, horny monkeys.

What the hell is Cuban babbling about? More accidental elbows to Mavs’ heads than is statistically possible? What does that even mean? It makes as much sense as Burt Reynolds telling me how to be a man through a mouth slit the width of a nickel resulting from three decades worth of face tucks. I guess when you’re the luckiest dickhead in the world, you can pretty much spew any asinine drivel out of your mouth and the media will print it and make it relevant.

I respect and admire Mark Cuban. But I’ve come to the realization that he is an absolute moron.

Well, here’s hoping that Jason Terry doesn’t punch Shaq in the balls tonight. Because Jason Terry touches other people’s balls more than is statistically possible.

Anyway, stay classy, Mark. Good luck tonight.


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