Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Fear Of A Dirk Planet, Part II: The Hasselhoff Way

According to the late, great WW II Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, victory comes only to those who work long and hard, to those who are willing to pay the price in blood, sweat and tears. You can start with a dream or a goal, but before any of your hopes can be realized, you must truly deserve your success. Hoping and praying for victory is all good and fine, but deserving it, working hard at it, sacrificing for it, is what truly matters.

But what the hell did that fat ass know??? Didn’t he also say, “Why stand when you can sit?” No good, useless pustule!

The real way to gain victory, the true path to success, the only way to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat is to go The Hasselhoff Way.

The man once said, “Make the truth lead your choices.”

And, “If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting! I think Baywatch should be emotional story lines, morals, real- life heroes. And that's what we're doing.”

And let us not forget, “Father said you’ll be sorry, son, If you leave your home this way. And when you realize the freedom money buys. You’ll come running home some day.” Well, technically, he didn’t say that one. He sang it.

This is the man who fought evil with a talking car. The man who ran on the beach in slow motion with Pamela Anderson’s boobies. The man who helped Sponge Bob save the universe. This is also the man who single handedly tore down the Berlin Wall with his key board scarf and his Christmas tree lights adorned leather jacket.

And he is the reason the Heat should fear Dirk Nowitzky and the Dallas Mavericks.

This may sound old-fashioned and cheesy in this age of instant gratification, but from the Sistine Chapel to the first transcontinental railroad to today’s space shuttle, there’s no mystery as to how these things of wonder were created.

That’s right. The Hasselhoff.

And now, dear readers, the Power of The Hasselhoff is against your Miami Heat. Yes, I realize that the story about Dirk Nowitzky humming Hasselhoff songs to himself while shooting free throws has probably been done to death. But allow me to bludgeon the deceased horse one more time.

Because it concerns the fate of our Heat!

Nowitzki is shooting an average of 10.2 free throws a game. I’m not sure what the .2 means, but I do know that he gets to shoot foul shots more or less around 10 times a game. And Nowitzki has a free throw shooting percentage of .901. Again, I’m not sure what that means – but it’s a big number and that means he hits his free throws on a consistent basis. When he scored 50 against the Suns in Game 5 of the WCF, he went 17 for 18 at the stripe. In other words, there will be no Hack-A-Dirk strategy coming from the Heat sidelines in these NBA Finals.

And as we all know by now, this power to hit a percentage of .901 of your 10.2 free throws a game can only come from The Hasselhoff.

The only way to combat this is for the Heat to stay out of foul trouble with Dirk. Because he will look to draw fouls and use The Hasselhoff Free Throw Power to his advantage. And no amount of thunder sticks, clackers, yelling fans, waving hands or a gratuitous Make Some Noise message on the jumbo-tron can stop this immovable force that is The Hasselhoff.

The only other way to combat it, is for the Heat to make their own free throws. Currently, Udonis Haslem leads the Heat with a .789 free throw percentage. That may be good. I’m not entirely sure. But I do know that .789 is no .901.

It may be time to pull out the big guns. Meet their “Lookin’ For Some Freedom” with our “You Can’t Stop The Reign.”

Shaquille O’Neal and his Italian Father must find a way to meet this challenge head-on. Or else all will be lost.

Perhaps Idol Winner, ESPN’s own, Pedro Gomez can help us. We must call for him as Princess Leia Organa called Obi-Wan Kanobi. We are desperate souls, indeed.

Help us Pedro Gomes-Hicks, you’re our only hope …

And while you're at it, check out KaLiBLeek's spin, "The Best Of Shaquille O'Neal" style ...


I'm sure we can find enough star power down in South Beach to override David Hasselhoff's affects on Nowitzki's free throws :)

Very funny.
I think the Anti-Hoff song should be that one rap song Kobe came out with a couple of years ago.
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