Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Fear Of A Dirk Planet, Part I: A Handful of Deutscher

"Do not fret mein Canadian froind. Zere, zere ... do not sob. For sobbing is fir ze froliens"

It’s a dandy time to be German. The World Cup of Soccer starts this week and the host nation is Germany. And the Dallas Mavericks have been led to the NBA Finals by a German – Dirk Nowitzki.

And Nowitzki terrifies me in more ways than one.

I remember saying to myself, shortly before the NBA playoffs began, that Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavs were going to dismantle the Pistons in the Finals (yes, I picked the Pistons to win the Eastern Conference. So did you, you bandwagon jumper. And if you say you didn’t, you’re a liar … a liar!!). But then my Heat went and won the Eastern Conference Finals. And the celebration has been awesome. Then Saturday came. And Steve Nash’s team couldn’t hold a lead at home and the Mavs and their Larged Penis Owner won the West … and my joy turned to slight depredation. But only slight. Because, you know … I Believe.

I watched Saturday’s Game 6 between the Mavs and Suns with my buddy Tek. Frankly, we were both hoping the Suns could pull it off. For one, to allow whomever the Heat would end up playing against a few days less to prepare for Thursday’s Game 1. And for another, because we’re really scared of the Mavericks.

Now we believe the Heat can take the Mavs. But the desire to play the Suns was fueled by the fact that A.) Phoenix plays absolutely zero defense whatsoever and B.) They don’t feature a 7 foot German who looks like the Geico caveman, shoots like Bird and moves like a gazelle.

In these here playoffs, Dirk is averaging 28 points and is taking an obscene amount of shots from the free throw line. Which means he’s aggressive. Which means he’s going to the basket. Which means trouble. Couple Dirk with Joe Crawford, and you might as well just give Shaq his 4 fouls during team introductions.

The biggest problem is that Dirk is a big motherlovin cat. And this causes matchup concerns. The usually lofty and muscular Udonis Haslem (6-8) with his godlike stature, is reduced to a very Gary Coleman-like physique when matched up against Dirk.

Dirk is a tall white man.

And he’s not your usual, garden variety Big White Stiff. If you play pickup basketball, you know the kind I’m talking about. The big 6’-6” white guy, sometimes very hairy, always very sweaty, wears either a knee brace or knee pads and is as stiff as Dick Bavetta on Viagra. We call them Big-For-Nothings. Because they’re tall enough to post up for a fairly easy layup but instead, they decide that they want to take jump shots all day and night. Well … Dirk is far from that guy. Yes he’s tall. Yes he’s white. But the guy is a baller.

So, yes, the guy scares me. And I can’t believe that the one thing standing in the way of my Heat and an NBA title is a seven foot German. This was the furthest thing from my mind back when Pat Riley arrived from New York with promises of a championship parade down Brickell Avenue. Dirk haunts me in my sleep. He stands over my shoulder while I try to blog in my office. (And by blog, I don’t mean touching myself while looking at naked pictures of pretty ladies.)

It’s up to Udonis Haslem to try and contain this monster. I have faith that U can do it. He won’t completely put a stop to Dirk’s insane shooting abilities. But he can bother him enough to try and make him a non-factor. Much like he did with Rasheed Wallace in the ECF.

It’s in Udonis’ hands. Udonis, the Greek God of mid-range jump shots and Hustle Points.

It’s all on you, U.

Keep us safe from the sharp shooting Bavarian Hurricane ...

(part 2 coming later today ... Blogspot has been ridiculously slow lately.)

Where Does The Crushernaut that is Udonis Haslem Get His Motivation From? A Pickanick Basket, bitch! ...


That Herald article says that Riley plans to throw a lot of different guys at Nowitzki. It does start with Udonis though. I think he's up to the challenge and I think Riley is game-planning around the 7 footer.

Have no fear, Dude. Yes Dirk is a great, great player. But I think we'll be fine.

Yea, have some faith, Dude. The Crushernaut knows how to stop opposing stars. Just ask Rasheed.

Fear the Crushernaut!
Geico Caveman! That's figgin hilarious!! Great stuff as usual Dude.
Great post Dude. I was in tears when I saw that Geico caveman picture. Anyone else getting the pregame jitters a little early like me?

I just can't believe it's taking this long to get the series started already. It feels like forever since the Heat last played.

But the days off are helping Dwayne Wade recover from his flu.

Can't wait to get started!
Is Nash really crying in that picture? It sure looks like it!
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