Monday, May 08, 2006

Nets Hand The Heat Their Ass ... And The Heat Have Their Heads All The Way Up It!

I'm too pissed off to write about the Heat's 100-88 Game 1 loss to the Nets. So, I'll have Al Pacino report on what was a frustrating night:

"Al Pacino here ... reporting from the American Airlines Arena in downtown Miami. The New Jersey Nets just exposed the Heat for what they are: a collection of stiffs who cannot defend the perimeter and whose game is slow and one dimentional. The Nets ... like the Bulls ... enjoy a sort of run-and-gun type of tempo, while the Heat like to slow things down and post up Shaq.

"Only one problem with that ... ready? ... here it is ... IT'S ... NOT... WORKING!!!!!

"Do you realize the Heat just got the crap beat out of them by New Jersey? New Jersey. Hey Vince Carter, you score 27 points against us, this whole place stinks with your farts for a week; How much you just ingested. Oh, what a big man you are! Hey, let me buy you a pack of gum. I'll show you how to chew it.

"And is anyone else tired of the refs taking Shaq out of games? Now refs, I don't care whose games you've officiated before ... Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Dr. J ... their spirit is deaaaad ... if they ever had one. So take the WHISTLES OUT OF YOUR MOUTHS! LET THE MAN PLAY!

"And is anyone else on their last thread with Antoine Walker? I've had to listen to the radio heads at 790 the Ticket constantly stick up for Toine all year long. Spewing out stats. Calling out the critics. Well ... I ... AM ... SICK ... OF... IT!

"I gotta message for Toine. I'm angry. I'm very angry, Toine. You know, you can start the games if you want to. You can dribble the ball like Young Frankenstein if you want to. You can pass the ball like it's been doused in anthrax if you want to. BUT YOU DO NOT ... GET ... TO ... SHOOT ... THREE ...POINTERS ... ANY MORE!

"And while we're at it, will someone please tell me what is the deal with that guy playing backup point guard? Is that Gary Payton ... is it George Burns? No ... it's the Crypt Keeper!

"And I'll tell you this -- even if this team should manage to exploit Richard Jefferson's ankle injury and somehow win this serires and escape to the Eastern Finals, it's really all just an excercise in futility! It's merely a date with a DARK DESTINY!

"This team cannot beat the Pistons. No! It cannot beat the Spurs. It cannot beat the Mavericks. We're only prolonging the inevitable here! Another wasted season for Shaq and Alonzo Mourning, both who are looking more and more like players in their twilight with each passing month! In any case. Much like my acting career, in any case.

"And it's time ... Oh it's time. Time to look at Riley for what he is: Hall of Fame coach ... HORRIBLE GM!!!

"And I got one more message to the refs ... Anyone in this league lives on his wits. What you're hired for is to help us. Does that seem clear to you? To help us! Not to fuck us up! To help men who are going out there to try to earn A LIVING ... you fairies. You company men. I'll tell you something else, I hope Shaq calls you out again. I can tell our friend David Stern something might help him to catch you. You wanna learn the first rule you'd know if you ever spent a day in your life? You never blow your whistle till you know what the shot is."

Thanks, Al. Game 2 is on Wednesday. Already it's a must win. Now excuse me while I go douse myself in anthrax ...


this is perfect, dude. no one else but al pacino can capture the sheer frustration i am feeling right about now over this team. what a bunch of douche bags!!! damn i'm so fucking pissed!! thanks for the bit.
Ha! You've got to make an audio version of this.
"David Stern is a sadist!! He's an absentee landlord! He's watching Shaq get called for fouls and HE'S LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF!!"

good stuff, dude.
I agree with Samron. An audio version of this would be great. Although I can hear Pacino's voice in my head when I read it.

Man did the Heat lay a big pile of shit on the court last night! Their defense is horrendous, attrocious ... just plain shitty. We better hope J-Kidd gets cold again and the refs let Shaq do his thing ... or else it's lights out.
Hahaha that was brilliant! If only you could get an audio version made by Frank Caliendo. Love your blog man.
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