MSD Lexicon, Part I

MSD Lexicon, part I: Nicknames

Are you new to MSD? Are you slightly disturbed or relatively confused when we write words or headlines like, “The Billion Dollar Penis Is At It Again”? Or are you simply a long-time reader wanting to catch up with what the MSD Lexicon has to offer? Well, friends, suffer no more. Because it’s the weekend, it’s raining (with lightning), our kayaking plans are fucked, and we have nothing else to do – so we bring you The MSD Lexicon: A Rundown and Explanation Of All Terms And Nicknames Found In The Miami Sports Dude Blog.

Nicknames:

These are nicknames we’ve given players and personalities in and around the world of Miami sports. Sometimes we use these names instead of the player’s/person’s actual name. So, if you ever get lost, consult this list…

Crushernaut: Udonis Haslem, forward, Miami Heat. The one that started it all! Haslem has quickly become a fan favorite for his gritty, blue collar play and all out effort on the court. He represents the street-tough warrior that characterizes the city of Miami (he is a Miami Senior High product). When the Heat need a tough rebound, or a guy to dive for a loose ball, a defensive stop, or even a big mid-range shot when D-Wade and Shaq are double covered, Haslem crushes the competition. But he’s not just a crusher. He’s more than that. He’s a crusher-NAUT. Like an astronaut. They’re not just astros. They’re astro-NAUTS. Whatever. It sounds cool to me.

The Great One: Dan Marino, HOF Quarterback, Miami Dolphins (1983-1999). He’s simply the greatest quarterback of all time. Period. And we think the moniker shouldn’t just apply to gangly big nosed hockey players married to gambling junkies.

King Douche: Tom Brady, Quarterback, New England Patriots. This one is pretty self explanatory.

The Geico Caveman: Dirk Nowitzki, forward, Dallas Mavericks. Because he looks like the cavemen in those commercials. Not very original. But effective.

The Billion Dollar Penis: Mark Cuban, Owner, Dallas Mavericks. This nickname is credited to our Supreme Leader, Will Leitch of Deadspin.com. We think it’s brilliant.

Frankenstein Monster: Antoine Walker, forward, Miami Heat. A short-lived nickname given to Walker because he pretty much gives us a glimpse into what it would be like if Frankenstein took off the blazer and suit pants and put on some basketball gear. The nickname has since been replaced by Lerrrrrrrooooyyy Jenkennnnsss, coined by the Dan Le Batard Show.

No Face: David Martin, Tight End, Miami Dolphins. Named after an obscure Dick Tracy villain – a guy who actually lived life sans face – No Face. What else you gonna name a guy who has no face? Larry? Anyway, Martin came to the Dolphins from the Packers of Green Bay a virtually unknown, obscure player who has yet to play a full season (he has a bit of a frageele’ problem). Even usual football-astute Dolphins fans had no idea who Martin was when the team signed him. Martin replaced popular, albeit controversial, tight end Randy McMichael (who, incidentally, earned the MSD nicknames ButterHands and That Asshole Who Beat His Wife). No one knows who Martin is, yet he is expected to play a prominent role in a tight end happy offensive system. The Dolphins are being run by a couple of hamsters and a monkey.

The Muel: Randy Mueller, General Manager, Miami Dolphins. Mueller needed a nick-name, so The Muel was born. The Dude is one clever douchebag, no? Interestingly enough, many Dolphins fans have recently started calling the Cam Cameron, Randy Mueller partnership CamMuel on blogs and message boards. But The Dude thinks The Muel is better and funnier. Because he’s a bit of an arrogant dick that way. Besides, Cam needs his own nickname which should be coming soon.

Lettuce/Scrambled Eggs: Trent Green, Quarterback, Miami Dolphins. Coming off a season shortened by a severe concussion, Green was named Lettuce because the Dude wrote: “Trent Green is one hit away from becoming a head of lettuce.” Miami Herald columnist Armando Salguero liked this nickname very much and asked The Dude if he could use it. Green is also called Scrambled Eggs because Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor said: “Trent Green is one hit away from becoming scrambled eggs.” Which leads us to one of two conclusions: Either JT is a reader of this blog (which would kick all kinds of ass) or JT is channeling the contemptuous, albeit ingenious, humor of The Dude.


Up Next: Terms and Sayings